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Kegerator Owner Gives Bartender Unsolicited Beer Pouring Advice

CLYDE ROYAL |Western News| Contact A veteran froth king has tried to improve the pouring skills of a local bartender, this week - with some unwanted advice.  “Mate, love the pour. Could you get the glass angle closer to 45 degrees though?” were the words heard by bartender Jansko Klein, a German backpacker 2 months into his 3 month stint at this establishment.  These...

CSIRO Warns Nation Will Be Hotter Than Doug Bollinger’s Scalp By 2050

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The nation's peak scientific body has released a new report into how much this planet is fucked this week which concluded that Earth will be hotter than Doug Bollinger's scalp by the middle of this century. In the wake of Glenn McGrath's retirement after the 2006-07 Ashes, a bowling spot in the Australian cricket Test...

Kid Watching TikToks Of Ukrainian Snipers Braining Russians With Thermal Scope Also Acting Up At School For Some Reason

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The parents of a Betoota Heights 12-year-old have told teachers at Green Road State School that they have no idea why their son has taken to throwing stones at passing cars. It comes just weeks after the student was first disciplined for throwing stones at other kids. The Advocate can reveal that the student has been...

Bloke Working From Home Takes Third Shower Before Lunch 

MARIO STRADLATER | Local | Contact Nathaniel Hicks (28), a public servant who has worked from home for the last 2 years, has broken new ground by having his third shower of the day before lunch.  The day started like most. While staring at a second monitor emptier than his soul during his team’s daily stand up, Nathaniel, whose official title is ‘project officer’, told...

Latitude Hopes They Can Just Continue To Ignore Data Leak Problem Until It Goes Away

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Nearly a third of Australia and New Zealand has had their data stolen from Latitude Financial Services servers by malicious hackers and the the company's executive is nowhere to be found. They're nowhere to be found because the lender's executive are employing a series of tactics that these types of people learn when they get...

John Howard Placed Back Into Suspended Animation In Cryogenic Lab Until 2024 Queensland State Election

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Former Prime Minister John Howard has been placed back into suspended animation after his work campaigning for the NSW Liberals this past month. Mr Howard was frozen this morning and placed in a cryogenic laboratory at the NSW Liberal Party headquarters on Bent Street, where he will be kept until next year's Queensland State Election,...

“But That’s Where I Hide MY Money?!” Uber Rich In Panic As Credit Suisse Shits The Bed

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact No one with billions of dollars wants to see an elite global banking giant like Credit Suisse shit the bed. Especially not uber rich oil tycoon, Rudiment Sprocket-Locke (132), who has for generations now kept his hard earned billions secure in the second largest bank of what was up until now considered the safest tax haven in the world;...

Bloke Employs A Bit Of Wim Hof At The Pub In An Effort To Stop The Goddamn Hiccups

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A seasoned grogman of local fame has stolen the show yet again this afternoon down at the Royal Commercial Railway Hotel in the Old City, showing off a bit of Wim Hof to the young fellas. Peter Cope, a semi-retired building inspector from the French Quarter, made the mistake of piggishly stuffing himself with mainstream...

Young Family On The Move As Landlord Finds 16 International Students Prepared To Pay More

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact As the world returns to normal, students from around the world are coming to Betoota to study at one of our town's world-leading tertiary education centers. South Betoota Polytechnic released a statement this week to cheerfully announce that their on-campus accommodation has reached capacity for the first time since 2019. Their off-campus places and third-party...

Pub Trivia Team With 13 People Doesn’t Even Win

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Despite having a disgrace amount of people on their team, a local pub trivia team has gone down to a group less than half the size at the Gelded Seahorse's trivia night last night. Made up of 13 city workers from every lanyard-wearing industry imaginable, the Silly Sausages became unstuck early on in the piece...

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