EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact
Running her fingers through her hair as she lets out a small chuckle, local woman Daphne Ellis [28] can’t believe she’s finally found a solution to one of the biggest frustrations in her life – and arguably, a problem that plagues many women, it seems.
You see, Daphne has finally left a hair salon without feeling the urge to violently burst in tears, or spend the next several weeks scraping what little hair she has left into a bun, because she can’t bear to look at it.
She tells The Advocate all about this exciting new life hack.
“I’ve finally cracked it”, Daphne gushes, “finally, FUCKING FINALLY, I have managed to get a hair trim without a hairdresser making me look like a choir boy.”
“Every time I’ve gone in for a ‘trim’, I’ve ended up with several inches of my hair cut off”, she explains, “I will literally show exactly how much I want cut off, using my hands, and they’ve fucked it every time.”
“Two inches off please! Just below the shoulders please! Just the dead bits PLEASE!”
“And I end up with a FUCKING BOB EVERY TIME.”
“I swear to god, hairdresser’s boyfriends must be the luckiest in the nation.”
“BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT TWO FUCKING INCHES IS.”
Pausing to calm herself down, Daphne says she was forced to change her tactics after getting fucked up again six months ago – and this time, it worked.
“I swore to myself I would never walk out of a salon giving myself the ‘I look ‘chic’ pep talk ever again”, she says, “so this time, I went full reverse psychology.”
“I just told her ‘please fuck my shit up. Just cut it all off, I desperately want to look like Lord Farquuad.”
“Please make me hate myself for two months!”
“I want my self esteem completely eviscerated!”
“And you know what, Effie?”
“I finally walked out of a salon with just two inches of my hair cut off.”
More to come.
