LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
German backpacker Juilianne Schmidt has spent three months travelling around Australia and has learnt a thing or two in her time so far.
Schmidt has learnt that Uluṟu has a circumference of 9.4 kms, that the MONA is home to 151 porcelain vulvas and what Sydney lacks in good nightlife they make up for with shit driving.
Above all Schmidt has learnt that all Aussies are fundamentally flawed bullies who love nothing more than to pull an outsider’s leg with tales of drop bears and how we are all close friends with the 12 or so Australian celebrities.
After falling for a few tall tales herself Schmidt has wisened up to our larrikin sense of humour which is why she is not believing a word of all this croc talk she is hearing in North Queensland.
“They’ve even put up signs to try and trick tourists,” stated Schmidt, looking at a sign that warned anyone using the beach that crocs have first dibs here.
“Bullshit. That’s less believable than the guy who told me you can only swim in winter because of all the jellyfish.”
“You guys really like to trick tourists don’t you? We’re not all that – how do you say – fucking stupid.”
After posting a few photos of a swim she went for on a small beach between two estuaries, Schmidt’s friends assured her that she was in serious danger of death and becoming a statistic slipped into a bipolar rant by a senile politician.
“I’m not going to fall for it! And stop telling me I need to pick fruit or I’ll get deported, it’s not going to bloody work!”
