LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A rainbow has been discovered in a world of black and white today as local goth Dylan Hedge (15) decided to degoth after enjoying a pop song unironically.
Yesterday while stacking shelves during an evening shift at Betoota Heights Bi-Lo, Hedge found himself mindlessly murmuring along to Baby One More Time by Britney Spears as he was automatically placing the black charcoal mouthwash in front of the coloured ones.
It was during the second chorus of the 1998 hit that a co-worker remarked they didn’t think the certified pop banger would be Hedge’s cup of tea, causing the young goth to turn a paler shade of white.
“I…uh…no, it’s not,” whimpered Hedge, not quite believing himself.
“It’s just catchy…” CCTV footage then shows Hedge finishing his shift in a panicked silence instead of his usual apathetic silence before walking home in a rain of his own making.
Hedge then returned to work at the supermarket the following day without his signature foundation, eyeliner, piercings and jewellery in an apparent degothening effort.
“When he started stacking the shelves I had no idea who he was, not that I’d turn down the workers right now,” stated shift manager Lou Magga.
“I thought Dylan hadn’t shown up. I had to dock him an hours pay, an action I unfortunately cannot undo.”
According to the allegedly reformed goth himself, Hedge claims that finding irony-free enjoyment in a big pop hit caused him to rethink his entire persona, ethos and aura, culminating with him tearing the Sisters of Mercy posters off his wall and scraping the layers of bone white makeup off his face.
“You know what, it’s not so bad afterall, this is just the new me, I have no idea what I’ll do next. Fark, might even give those Coldplay cunts a listen!”
