LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
In breakfast news, a local cereal is just as zany as their name implies.
Coming in at nearly 39% sugar, Froot Loops are continuing to advertise themself via the health route as if anyone has ever purchased them as a nutritious breakfast.
For years now, Froot Loops have advertised themselves as a good source of zinc, iron, and vitamin B as it contains bountiful milligrams of each.
However, their health claims might have more to do with soothing a mother’s guilt than appealing to children who would yell at their own nana just to have a sans-milk bowl of the sugary loops.
“It also has no artificial colours, sort of like real fruit,” stated Betoota Heights mother Lauren Muhs.
“Except real fruit is spelt with a ‘u’ and an ‘i’ unlike this abomination.”
“What’s wrong with the toucan on the box, why the fuck does he have hands?”
Despite sending mixed messages about dieting and bird fingers, Froot Loops continue to go the health angle so mum’s like Lauren don’t feel so bad about letting her kids have fun cereal during school holidays.
Although sugar outranks fiber on a 16:1 ratio, Froot Loops still promote their two star health rating, making them the culinary equivalent of films like Waterworld, 27 Dresses, and Dr Doolittle 2 which each have a 40% Rotten Tomatoes rating.
