ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The New South Wales Government has made a promise to young Sydneysiders looking to get out of the nation’s largest open-air sewer over the next few years, telling them that their renting days could soon become a thing of the past if all goes to plan.
Speaking to the media today in the boomer’s picnic, NSW Premier Chris Minns put on a brave face and sharply exhaled before he started to talk about his government’s plan to keep people with a brain from leaving the state’s capital.
“We’re in the process of earmarking areas for developers to build tens of thousands of shitbox apartments,” he said.
“I want young people to have a future in Sydney and the only way to guarantee that, from a state government perspective, is to make sure there’s new places for developers to build new housing for the cheapest possible cost,”
“Look, I know it’s not perfect and it’s not really a long term solution but I’m only playing the hand that the Federal Government is giving me. If I was young and didn’t need to live here, I’d get the fuck out of here, too.”
The Advocate spoke to a resident of Sydney’s gorgeous Wolli Creek, home to thousands of extremely poxy apartments, to see what the average young family can expect from living in an apartment made out of paper and bird spit.
Ferris Hussey, brother of The Advocate’s eternal cadet Wendell and current St George Illawarra Jersey Flegg player, is currently living in a shitbox apartment in Wolli Creek and described the experience.
“Well, for example. Yesterday, my upstairs neighbour came home from work and went straight to the toilet,” said Ferris.
“I heard his belt buckle land on the tiles and a soft but guttural moan and he let one the size of a Stanley cup slip out of him and into the bowl. I heard the splash. The moan was loud enough to set off his dog, which started yapping as it ran about his flat. Mine you, I was horizontal in bed at this point. In between the morning session and the afternoon, I go home to rest,”
“They mustn’t have put much in the way of insulation in the toilet service corridor behind the toilets because I can hear everything he does in there. My next door neighbour smokes on his balcony and the smoke blows in through my windows. I just shut them, no worries, it’s his balcony, he can do what he wants, but this old cunt down from me has gone to strata over it and he blows up. I’m trying to watch the news of an evening and this old gibberer and the durrie monster are arguing in the hallway,”
“Oh and the other day, I had Wendell over and we had dinner on the balcony when he pointed out he could see a bloke in the building across from us pulling himself silly on the couch. Pretty cheeky if he’s got flat mates, hey? Mind the pun. Shaving the carrot it on the couch. Luxurious wank, it looked. He had some porn up on his TV, two birds going at it in a sauna. So yeah, Wendell and I just said there eating lasagna and watching a bloke pulling himself while he watched a bit of porn. Pretty weird, hey?”
“And that’s just this week, mate. Living like this is no good.”
More to come.
