ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Legislation to ban the live bogan trade has been introduced to Federal Parliament this week, sending shockwaves through outer-metro and regional communities around the country.
Championed by the Greens and their inner-city constituents, the laws point the finger at the often “inhumane” conditions that many bogans have to endure while on the high seas.
The proposed bill is set to be voted down later today by both the Coalition and Labor, both of which represent the increasingly shrinking number of unfussed and unrushed Australians that seek a holiday on a floating RSL.
The phase-out was a 2022 Labor election commitment but was ultimately scrapped by the Albanese Government. Nevertheless, it has proved popular with people that eat poached eggs and drive electric cars. It has also sparked widespread protests from those concerned about the impact the laws could have on cruising communities across Australia.
Agriculture Minister Murray Watt told parliament a $107 million transition package would be adequate support for affected Australians.
“We want to help the common bogan transition from P&O (which Labor understands means ‘Poor & Overweight’) to something more modern such as Jetstar or caravanning. Ultimately, we would like to see people choose to holiday in Australia but unfortunately, that’s something that only upper middle class people can enjoy these days,” said Mr Watt.
“It’s about helping people make better choices.”
Local cruise enthusiast Darryn ‘Froggy’ Ribbet-Ribbet said the new laws are “fucken bullshit” and hopes “some cunt” will come to their senses and see the “fucken damage” that this “dumb cunt” legislation will have on ordinary people just wanting a break.
Despite dropping the plan to scrap the live export of bogans, Froggy still sees Prime Minister Anthony Albanese as the architect of this bill.
Speaking to The Advocate, Froggy did his best impression of popular fairy Tinkerbell and put on a mock lisp as he laid on the sarcasm.
“Oh Swowy I’m too stwoopid to howwiday in Woowope!” he said as he walked around on his tiptoes flapping his wings.
“Ohhh woowww look honney! A fwucken owld biwding! Ohhh wow! A fwuken owld chwuwch! Coooooooooooool!”
“It’s fucken bullshit mate,” he said snapping back into his usual drawl.
“What next? They’re going to ban microwave popcorn and ribbed condoms? 95 petrol and V8s? If this fucking idiot has his way, we’ll all be driving electric cars and skiing in the holidays like a bunch of fucken pot-gutted tie-wearing private school brown boot wearing cunt-bags.”
“To paraphrase my blue-haired niece, this is classist and ableist policy. It’s not just us V8 Supercar enthusiasts that go on these fucking cruises, it’s disabled people and other fucken people that otherwise can’t pull themselves silly on a Qantas flight to fucking New York Shitty or fucking London. It’s fucked.”
More to come.
