Baby Boomers Glad They Won’t Miss Anything When They Take Entire Planet With Them

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

Local Baby Boomers, James and Mary Grant (both 65) say that their looming mortality is not a concern, because they aren’t going to miss out on anything.

“The way these kids carry on, there’ll be nothing left by the time we kick it” says the career barbecue retailer who doesn’t believe in climate change.

“All this lot do is whinge about not being able to buy a home… They spend all their bloody money on coffee and facebook!”

This particular generation – also known as ‘The Baby Boomers’ – have been heavily criticised over the last thirty years for their inability to look past their own retirement, which many of them believe should have been the day they turned 55. However, despite their sense of entitlement, many refuse to leave their high-powered positions in the corporate sector and free up the crowded housing market by retiring to the coast or country.

Dr. Braiden Youngen, an anthropologist and historian from the CSIRO, says the reason baby boomers are still in charge of the world is because they have instilled a false sense of importance into themselves.

“Many of them believe that they worked very hard for everything good in this world,” says Dr Youngen

“They are forgetting that the generation above them lived through a great depression and fought in two world wars. They even missed out on Vietnam. These are the ones that spat on the our troops when they came home,”

“They also forget that they are solely responsible for the global financial crisis in 2008, and the fact that it was through the help of Generation X and Y that both capitalism and civil order was able to remain relatively intact,”

“The most influential person on Earth, Mark Zuckerberg, is an entire generation younger than them… and most of them don’t know who he is or what he does,”

When questioned about their generation’s disastrous track record of destroying the environment, declaring unnecessary wars and warehousing poor people inside prisons – both Mary and James Grant refuse to believe that they are at fault.

“Everyone’s got a chip on their shoulder. All these refugees throw their hands up because life is too hard and wanna come here to bludge on welfare…” says Mary who has been a stay-at-home housewife since her first child was born in 1973

“Not to mention the young kids who would prefer to get hooked on drugs than to make something of themselves. Bloody spoilt,”

James believes all the ‘hype’ about climate change is just a result of generation X ‘uni wankers’ who are trying their very hardest to ‘not get a real job’.

“All these whinging greenies sitting around smoking dope and complaining about the environment… Go out there and so something about!”

Dr Youngen says it is very frightening to know that the anti-intellectualist Baby Boomer may have another ten or so years left before they are no longer in charge of the world.

“They are fairly stubborn and not very good at problem solving. The fact that they are ignoring the pandemic of melting glaciers and coral bleaching would attest to this,”

“All these people had to do in their lifetime was not get AIDS… and they certainly did a horrible job of handling things when that came around,”

With the Brexit vote coming down to a majority of 50+ British citizens requesting to leave the European Union on mostly racist grounds, and the American public laying wake for a painful election between two of the most disliked Baby Boomers in their country’s top one percent of high income earners, it seems the scourge of this particular generation is one that has affected every corner of the globe.

“I never had it easy!” says James, who bought his first house on an apprentice wage when Aboriginal people were still considered flora and fauna by Australian law.

“I can’t wait to take the rest of you down with me. If you can’t get off your arses and do something… That’s what’s gonna happen!”