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The UK Prime Minister has promised “swift criminal sanctions” for anyone who has taken part in the violent riots that have broken out in the country over the past week.

As a former Crown Prosecutor who locked up thousands of drunk and excitable men during the 2011 riots, Keir Starmer has form with an absolutely no tolerance approach to dealing with the type of hooligans who think it’s a clever idea to throw a brick at another person.

The very newly elected PM held an emergency meeting on Monday with his own ministers and police chiefs, including Scotland Yard, to discuss how to hose down the violence that first broke out in in northwest England on Tuesday.

The civil unrest kicked off after political extremists took advantage of community anger over a fatal stabbing attack at a dance class in Southport last week.

False rumours spread online that the attacker was a Muslim and an asylum-seeker, as part of calculated propaganda aimed at pushing already sensitive hot buttons that have emerged ever since the same people that voted to leave the EU in a hope that it would mean there’d be less European migrants taking their jobs suddenly realised that those same jobs have now been taken by black and brown migrants that have been steadily shipped in under a Tory government that actually had no interest in stemming the flow of cheap foreign labour.

Police said the 17-year-old suspect was born in the UK to Christian parents, and they are not treating the stabbings as terrorism.

While the root causes of these riots are simply economic anxieties and online radicalisation, Starmer definitely doesn’t have the mandate to go against the tech giants by banning TikTok or Twitter.

Short of actually doing something about easing the cost of living crisis that has served the Corporate Britain so well since the pandemic, the only thing the PM can do is find something to distract the angry rioters.

Meeting with the English Premier League bosses today, Starmer has begged them to bring forward the 2024 season by a week, in a hope that football may serve as a pressure valve for these highly emotive geezers.

Either that, or pray for some rain

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