ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A French Quarter man has reportedly found 15 kilograms following the birth of his first child.
The new father, Marcel Gunk, attributed the weight gain to a rigorous regime of intermittent binging, limiting himself to sleeping in efficient 20 minute blocks, and a complete overhaul of his diet.
Gunk, who welcomed his son seven months ago, initially intended to use the arrival of his child as motivation to get in shape.
“I had all these plans,” Gunk explained.
“I was going to get up early, go for a run, eat healthier. But they are very leftie things to do and now that I have something to conserve, be it my shitbox apartment, my beige 2007 Mazda CX-7 that has a timing chain that’s about to rattle off the cog and brick the engine, meagre share portfolio made up entirely of West Australian exploration companies and my family’s future, I am doing what most conservative men do and that’s treat their body like a rubbish tip.”
Local dietician Diane ‘Frogstomp’ Pooley says Gunk’s case isn’t unusual.
“We often see new parents struggle with weight gain,” said nutritionist Sarah Evans.
“But Marcel has actually found it quite easy. The lack of sleep, stress, and convenience of quick, calorie-dense meals can lead to great results.”
Pooley is known in many social circles as ‘Frogstomp’ not because she is an enthusiastic fan of band Silverchair, but because she once fished a common green frog out of a toilet cistern and stomped on it. The alleged incident took place while Pooley was a student at South Betoota Polytechnic College in the mid-1990s. Pooley denies the incident took place.
Gunk’s newfound weight has also been linked to a sudden interest in finishing off whatever his child leaves behind on the high chair.
“At first, it was just a bite here and there,” he admitted.
“But before I knew it, I was squeezing half a bag of vanilla yoghurt into my mouth and eating his chicken nuggets off the ground. My secret shame.”
Despite the finding the weight, Gunk remains optimistic.
“I’ve found 15 kilos, sure, but I’ve also found a deeper appreciation for takeway food and the ability to function on three hours of sleep,” he said.
“Once the house is asleep, sometimes I walk up to the service station and get a pie. Eat it alone in the park and look up at the stars and just sit there being thankful I don’t like somewhere grim like Iran or Pakistan or wherever. I love Queensland.”
More to come.
