ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
As ambulance wait times across Australia continue to reach record highs, the Federal Health Minister Mark Butler has taken a unique approach to addressing the crisis, suggesting that the issue lies not with the health system, but with Australians themselves.
In a press conference this morning in Canberra, the minister declared that the nation’s ambulance services are being overwhelmed because Australians have simply “gone soft.”
“Back in my day, you just got on with it. Nowadays, everyone wants to put their feet up in hospital, on the taxpayer’s coin,” the minister said.
“It has to stop. If you’re that sick, just go to hospital. Leave the paramedics to do the important call outs. Also back in my day, you’d see paramedics honking on a Subway footlong, with all the trimmings I might add. Avocado and whatnot. Seeing them enjoy a spot of lunch. Nowadays, they don’t even stop. The boys ones have to piss in empty Gatorade bottles and throw them out the window at the lights, like a common truck driver. It’s not on, paramedics are the glue that holds this society together. Nobody wants to meet one on the job but when they do they’re bloody glad to.”
According to recent reports, ambulance wait times have blown out to as long as three hours in some regions, with many Australians left waiting for urgent medical care. But the minister insists that the solution isn’t more funding or resources—it’s a cultural shift.
“I’m calling on Australians to grow a pair,” the minister continued.
“If you’ve got a headache, take a Panadol and hope it’s not a stroke. If it is a stroke, why not take yourself to hospital? You’d have to be a seriously twisted individual to call an ambulance for anything less than that.”
The comments have sparked outrage among health experts, who point out that the increasing demand for ambulance services is due to a combination of factors, including an ageing population, overworked paramedics, and a health system under strain. But the minister isn’t budging.
“Look, I get it. Old people are annoying and really expensive to maintain. They’re like classic cars but ugly,” he said.
“But they helped chase communism out of Vietnam. Our grandparents fought in wars; surely, you can handle a sprained ankle without clogging up the system.”
More to come.
