ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The Reserve Bank has kept rates on hold for the 10th consecutive month, extinguishing hopes that mortgage holders would get a special October Long Weekend treat from the central bank.
In a short press conference this afternoon in Sydney, the bank’s spokesperson said the figures just didn’t match the criteria needed to slash rates.
“In short, EADC LMAO,” they said.
“Due to rampant, frivolous government spending and corporate profiteering, rates are on hold for this month. If you are struggling to service your mortgage, EADC. But know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone knows that discretionary spending decreases in warmer weather. People don’t travel domestically, people from Victoria definitely don’t flock to North Queensland like the geese people they are,”
“Petrol and energy prices need to come down as well. It’s really not looking that good. If you’re doing your arse right now, maybe sell you home and buy something smaller, something you can afford. Big homes are for people that listened in school, not you.”
“Oh, actually, this is the wrong bit of paper. The cause for inflation in Australia, these are the government talking points by the way, the cause for inflation is actually Baby Boomers, the tidal wave of subcontinental migration and the endless stream of Chinese students. There. OK, now, can we move on?”
“We will meet again in a month so remember, cut all but the most essential! Do not spend! Please tell the idiot Boomers in your life to stop pissing cash up the wall on dumb shit like caravans and knee replacements. Stop!!”
The spokesman took one question from Fox Sports News and left.
More to come.
