ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Ireland will be without a single young adult from 6pm this evening Dublin time as the nation’s last young adult, a 24-year-old turf cutter from Waterford, leaves for Australia.
Seán O’Driscoll had his visa approved this morning and is wasting no time in departing Ireland, joining every single other Irish person on Earth aged between 19 and 34 in Australia.
With the piercing scent of freshly cut turf still on his hands, Seán bid farewell to the misty fields of his homeland, leaving behind what local newspaper, The Waterford Whispers, describes “a town and nation devoid of a future”.
“A culchie without his paddock, a D4 lanyard-wearing wanker without his cocaine. Ireland weeps for her youth. No future, no beginnings, just men in GAA jerseys jogging around Centennial Park. The end of days.”
Local TDs were quick to offer their thoughts and prayers, lamenting the loss of yet another soul who had dreams beyond staying home and cutting turf for his father, until his father dies, then he will cut turf, with his son, until he himself becomes, dead.
“It’s a sad day when our last youth has left,” said Waterford TD Dónal O’Leary.
“Who will fill the Ritz in Tramore of a warm July evening if it’s not the son of a local turf cutter? Just tired old men singing rebel songs to the ghosts of an age ago.”
Sources close to Seán report that his departure was finalised when he realised that his lifelong job of cutting peat might soon be outlawed, thanks to new EU regulations on bog preservation.
“It was either that or sit in the pub and listen to lads my da’s age complain about electric cars and the Greens,” Seán admitted.
“Times have changed.”
Seán has reportedly taken a labouring job in Sydney, where he plans to work for the summer, before heading to Darwin to do his regional work with his cousin Colm’s construction business.
More to come.
