ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
It was meant to be a lazy Monday afternoon for local man Shane Bunting, who found himself shirtless on the couch with one hand down his pants, as ABC News 24 droned on in the background.
At around noon, with a packet of uncooked San Remo Pumpkin & Ricotta Ravioli precariously balanced on a pillow beside him, the 34-year-old was just getting comfortable when the calm yet anxiety-inducing voice of Dr. Norman Swan filled his living room.
In an instant, Shane’s relaxation was shattered.
“Jesus Christ, not again,” he muttered as Dr. Swan, the nation’s trusted COVID-19 pandemic guide, began discussing the potential threat of bird flu.
The mere mention of a new viral outbreak was enough to send Shane into a tailspin, triggering vivid flashbacks to those dark lockdown days when Swan’s voice became the soundtrack of the apocalypse.
“I thought we were done with all this shit,” Shane continued to nobody in particular, now fully upright on the couch.
His mind was flooded with memories of stabbing a stranger in the buttocks with a flathead screwdriver to secure a 12-roll packet of 2-ply toilet paper, endless sourdough baking attempts, and watching the numbers of COVID cases climb each day—all narrated by the calm doom of Dr. Swan on ABC News.
“Just the sound of his dry Scottish patter,” Shane sighed, gesturing at the screen.
“It sends me right back there. All we need is Annastacia [Palaszczuk] back describing people from NSW and Victoria as unwashed, diseased peasants itching to get up here to cough on us all.”
Known for his role in keeping Australians informed about the coronavirus, Dr. Swan has returned to the airwaves to address new concerns about the potential crossover of bird flu to humans. But for Shane, it was a nightmare he’d rather not relive.
“Why can’t they talk about something normal, like overpaid lollypop ladies? Or I dunno, the ethics of dropping a daisy cutter on Fuckboi Island? I don’t need to be scared of birds now too. I like birds, my favourite is the Cassowary,” said Shane, eyes fixed on the TV as ABC News 24 switched to a segment on South Australian pigeon racing.
“Serves me right for watching the ABC. Fuck this, I’m watching Storage Wars on 7mate.”
More to come.
