EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact
Is your life boring? Is it less ‘Bridgerton’ and more like the Australian version of The Office? Never fear, as here are seven ways you can romanticise your life, and live out your fantasies of being a slightly problematic but loveable main character.
1. Stop Saying ‘I’m Stuck In A Situationship’ And Start Saying As ‘I Have Taken A Lover’
Situationship? No my dear, you have taken a lover! Perhaps you are a progressive 19th century woman who frequents the opiate den with a rotation of handsome rakes. Or maybe you’re in an unhappy arranged marriage with a sadistic king, and are plotting his untimely demise with your boyishly charming lover. Whatever the reason, simply pretend this amorous, short affair is completely by choice!
2. Convince Yourself That He’s Not Texting You Back Because You Left Him Speechless
It’s been three days and you haven’t heard from your lover. He must be staring at his phone, heart racing, unsure how to express everything he feels. Instead of worrying, embrace the idea that he’s so captivated by you that he needs time to gather his thoughts. Let yourself feel like the irresistible lead in a slow-burn romance, where every pause adds to the intensity of the connection. Enjoy the anticipation, knowing that when he finally responds, it’ll be because his emotions have become undeniable!
3. Look At Yourself In The Mirror After Crying With Mascara
To romanticise your sadness, stand in front of the mirror and see yourself as the beautiful, vulnerable protagonist of your own story. Gaze at the way your tears have traced your cheeks, your red eyes holding the depth of all you’ve felt. Oh wow, how the red has really brought out the green in your eyes!
4. Open Letters That Are Clearly Junk Mail And Read Every Word As Though You Are Waiting To Hear From A Travelling Soldier
Picture this. You’re staring out the window, wondering when your husband will return from war. The postman arrives with a bundle of letters, and you frantically tear open your phone bill. Perhaps with a small knife. Instead of Vodafone warning you that your bill is overdue, it’s your husband John, imploring you for another black and white photograph as he lost yours in the trenches.
5. Take A Cigarette Into A Pub Smoking Area And Stand Near A Table Of Men Hoping That They All Reach To Light It At The Same Time
What’s more romantic than lung cancer? As the beloved author John Green wrote – ‘You smoke to enjoy it, I smoke to die.’ The aesthetics of Malena are lovely, so try to forget about the plot. You can have your very own Monica Belluci moment by heading off to the nearest bar offering $6 VB’s and loiter in the smoker’s section before asking for a lighter. Sure, they might all be 60 years old and have tar stained fingers, but isn’t that so Lana Del Rey?
6. Order Uber Eats In The Middle Of A Thunderstorm So That You Can Open Your Front Door To Find A Man Drenched By The Rain
All good rom coms have a rain scene, so why not create your own? Simply order Uber Eats during a roaring thunderstorm and dramatically fling open the front door when the Uber Eats driver arrives. He might not be wearing a billowing white shirt, but you might be able to lightly brush fingers when he passes you your Simply Grill’d. How romantic!
7. Pour Your Vitamins Into Your Hand And Dry Swallow Them Like A Brilliant But High Functioning Addict
Instead of taking your vitamins individually like some common NPC, chuck them down your gullet without a single drop of water – because nothing screams ‘I’m a beautiful mess’ more than dry swallowing several pills. For some added flair, consider buying one of those yellow prescription bottles you get from America, shaking your hands a little as you try to pop open the lid.
