ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Senator for the ACT David Pocock has criticised the federal corruption watchdog, set up by Labor at the start of the current term of government, saying it’s not fit for purpose.
Currently, the National Anti-Corruption Commission (NACC) is a 13-year-old dachshund named “Mr Cheese” who resides inside Parliament House in the Serjeant-at-Arms’ office.
The watchdog’s full name is Kaiser Franky Von Cheesemänn and, since taking up the role, he has mostly been accused of enjoying slices of cheddar and sleeping for 14 hours a day.
With that in mind, the former Wallabies captain has reiterated concerns that Mr Cheese’s position is “untenable” after an independent report revealed that “apprehended bias” influenced his decision not to investigate robodebt referrals.
“Mr Cheese’s bias, a clear and proven bias, means that he’s no longer fit for the job. His position as the top federal corruption watchdog is untenable,” Senator Pocock told The Advocate.
“We need a stronger watchdog. Something like a German Shepherd or whatever. Maybe a pit bull mix. I’ve let Mr Cheese bite me on a number of occasions, and there isn’t any power there. The fact he’s been living off a diet of cheese slices and McNuggets for the past term of government has made his teeth very blunt.”
“The dog is also very, very overweight, and I think that’s sad. It’s not like a human, who can usually just get themselves into a calorie deficit and move more, no excuses, etc. Mr Cheese is just a dog. Having a senior dog that’s too fat to get up a couple of steps as your corruption watchdog is not good for democracy.”
The Advocate spoke to the office of Kaiser Franky Von Cheesemänn at the NACC, who explained that he would be strenuously denying the accusations of cheese bribery in the mid-afternoon when he’s awake.
More to come.
