EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact
A local bloke has today revealed he’s finally figured out the cause of all his life’s problems, after doing a little soul searching, it’s reported.
Thomas Cooke, 20, an engineering student at Betoota Polytechnic University, admits he’s been feeling increasingly hopeless about his future, citing that he can’t believe his parents were able to own a three bedroom home and raise two children on one wage.
Speaking to The Advocate, a despondent looking Thomas says he just can’t foresee a future where he’ll be able to own a home or support a family, due to wage stagnation and the property market becoming inaccessible because it’s become a Ponzi scheme for the rich.
“I don’t know man, what the fuck am I going to do? The rich are getting richer, there are fewer jobs due to foreign outsourcing and AI, tax funding bail outs for major corporations, and, oh, you know, the complete fracturing of community and localism due to algorithmic social media platforms.”
“I’d like to own a home and have kids, but that seems like a pipe dream.”
“…if I could have kids anyway, given my testicles are filled with microplastics.”
Our reporter nods and agrees that yeah, shit’s fucked.
“I just feel so hopeless.”
Thomas says that after he’s having a long and hard think about it and listening to 100 hours of podcasts on his one hour commute to and from his low paying job, he’s decided he knows what the problem is.
“It’s women.”
More to come.
