EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact
1. Shitting Yourself On A Holiday
Picture the scene. You’re curled into a fetal position, sweat dripping down your brow as your bowels violently contract with pain. You let out a thunderous fart, and even in your current state of delirium, you suspect it might have been a… wet one. Your mouth soon follows suit, expelling a day’s worth of food, liquid and stomach bile onto your bare, naked body.
But ask yourself this – Is it a cool tile you feel pressing against your face or dirt?
If you’re laying on a toilet floor in some Bali resort, well that’s disgusting, and frankly, you need to check yourself.
However, if you find yourself looking up to a starry Peruvian night sky, surrounded by several people also shitting and vomiting themselves, then you’re classy.
$10K, your dignity, and a healthy stomach flora are a small price to pay for spiritual enlightenment.
2. Taking Taxpayer Money When Time’s Get Tough
Unlike those dole bludgers, using taxpayers money (or avoiding tax altogether) is only acceptable if you’re rich. Just ask Boomer Bill, who thinks being poor is a result of personal failure, as it’s much easier to believe that every person on Centrelink is some lazy oaf hellbent on cheating the system, than accepting that we could all be just one unfortunate accident away from sharing the same fate.
But if you’re a company, say, a popular Australian airline that got bailed out by taxpayers during covid only to significantly hike up prices for domestic travel immediately afterwards , then that’s perfectly fine! You’re just down on your luck.
3. Giving Your Kid A Weird Name
Giving your kid an unusual name is perfectly acceptable if you’re rich. While ‘Mercedes’ and ‘Klowee’ might have their resumes promptly tossed in the bin, an ‘Atlas’ or ‘Tangerine’ probably doesn’t have to worry, because they won’t ever have to face the indignity of drafting up a cover letter.
Having a weird name is a privilege, with the richer you are, the more ‘eccentric’ you can be! Why be a simple Jessica when you can be a Marmalade Boo Radley Nesta Flynn?
4. Drinking On The Grass
Want to drink an obscene amount of alcohol outdoors, preferably in a short span of time? Well if you’re thinking of slamming some Little Fat Lamb in the park, think again! Getting shitfaced outdoors is only acceptable if you wear something nice and pretend to care about ‘skin contact wines.’
Otherwise, you’re just a degenerate.
5. Associating With Criminals
Whether you regularly hang out with drug dealers, or even just have one trustworthy ket contact on Wickr, just know that if you make less than six figures you’re a trashy LOSER (but if you’re the son of a politician, it was just a silly mistake 🥺👉👈)
Associating with criminals is only ever acceptable if they’re the ‘open secret’ kind of high profile criminals – you know, pedophiles.
Because if you make enough money and the Murdoch media decrees you are worthy of protecting, then not only can you be photographed hanging out with known sex offenders on multiple occasions, half of whom you’ve written character testimonials for, but uneducated boomers will still continue to defend you until their dying breath!
6. Rooting Someone You’re Related To
If you’re a standard, run of the mill cousin fucker, well that’s pretty gross. But if you’re ‘preserving your bloodline’ or having a relationship with a girl you adopted from Seoul orphanage at the tender age of five, well that’s a little more understandable.
