ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A big dumb commercial leasing agent found himself once again in the back of a clapped-out Camry yesterday evening, hurtling through the French Quarter.
A Sunday spent drinking full-strength beer in full-strength sunlight had done a number on Robbie Crozier, and as darkness approached the eastern horizon, he summoned a car to come and take him home.
The 38-year-old was chock-a-block full of piss and sunburnt to the shithouse. His scorched, pink face smiled as Hassan Raza, a local master’s student from Pakistan who studies at the prestigious South Betoota Polytechnic Rivkin School of Applied Finance, nodded at him and pulled over in the no-stopping zone outside the Gelded Seahorse Hotel on Rue de Branlette.
Raza told The Advocate this morning that even he was shocked by the state of disrepair Crozier was in.
“He was there in a pair of beige shorts, salmon pink linen shirt and Birkenstock shoes. His face, skin and chest were the same colour as the shirt. He was quite unsteady on his feet and using a parking meter to prop himself up. You know, how he knew which Uber was his, I’ll never know.”
Raza lived in Pakistan until he was ten and drives Uber part-time, mostly at night, as a way of supporting himself in his studies.
“He got in, I looked at his display picture and he looked like a normal, respectable middle-aged white dude in a suit. This thing in the back of the car looked like a pressure-washed sun bear that’d just been thrown out of a light aircraft and into a paddock of lantana. You’d never seen a more pissed, more sun-stroked young man in your life. He looked at me and just kind of laughed,” Raza continued.
“He said, ‘Ha, how ’bout that fucken Bumrah? Fuck he’s a mad cunt, ey? Fucken wish he was from Adelaide or something? Ha!’ and I just said, ‘Yeah, totally mate, like I agree with you,’ and he stopped laughing and goes, ‘Fuck me, your English is good. When you come here, joog? Fucken ages by the sounds of things!’ and you know, you have to laugh, don’t you?”
“Silly drunk cunt, he was.”
More to come.
