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The CEO of the popular music streaming app Soundcloud has reportedly shmoozed his way to the front of the US Capitol, in a hail-mary, last-ditch effort to get his face amongst the top tech CEOs who have come to D.C. to kiss the ring of the incoming president.
The CEO threw caution to the wind this morning when he was seen struggling to scale one of several security fences surrounding the inauguration stage. However, history shows that it is not that difficult for Trump supporters to do this.
Despite the heavy security presence, the B-grade tech CEO was able to get himself over the fence at the right time to unassumingly slip his way into a crowd of fossil-fuel lobbyists and fundamentalist Christians making their way to the stage.
It’s alleged that the CEO was hoping to get his face somewhere in the row of seats at the inauguration reserved for the growing tech CEO oligarchy.
“At first, I thought it might have been one of Elon’s 12 children,” explained Jeff Bezos, Amazon CEO.
“Honestly, I was just surprised to learn that Soundcloud was still surviving” said Mark Zuckerberg, Meta CEO.
“We had a great chat about how I can convince Trump to ban the shadowy, Swedish-backed company Spotify,” said Elon Musk, Tesla CEO.
The Soundcloud CEO admits that it was a little awkward that he was unable to find a free seat during the ceremony, especially given his blue-coloured pineapple dreadlocks and face tattoos, but he says that he was happy to just squat next to Jeff Bezos.
At one point during the ceremony, the CEO was approached by security, but he simply looked them dead in the eye and told them:
“You are about to make a very powerful enemy.”
“The America that you knew is gone forever. You might not know what I look like, but I run this country now”
Trump has since described the unknown CEO as a ‘great guy’.
