ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The price of a schooner has increased today, which perfectly aligns with the world’s current state of unparalleled harmony and economic prosperity.
The biannual alcohol excise duty adjustment, tied to the ever-soaring Consumer Price Index (CPI), has nudged the pub beer tax to $43.39 per litre for beers exceeding 3.5%.
Patrons across our town’s diverse and varied locales have greeted this news with a collective shrug, attributing their indifference to the powerlessness they feel regarding government policy and the continued availability of pension harvesters in clubs, a cornerstone of any community worth living in.
Down the Gelded Seahorse Hotel in the French Quarter, day drinker Steve Moon, expressed his thoughts between sips Betoota Export.
“Honestly, as long as I can get legally intoxicated and palm my entire paycheck into Pelican Peter, a few extra cents for my schooner is just part of the vibe,” he said.
Meanwhile, in the essentially treeless suburbs of Betoota Heights, medium-functioning alcoholic, Barry Ghunk, was unfazed by the price hike.
“Mate, I’ve been around long enough to see schooners go from a dollar to whatever they’re charging now. As long as I can tap my card and it works, I don’t give a shit. Then when I’m good and pissed, I’ll get in my car and drive home because I am that selfish,” Barry added.
Publicans, too, have adopted a laissez-faire attitude toward the increase.
Sheila McTaggart, part-owner of the iconic Port O’Betoota Hotel, believes the harmonious global environment has fostered a sense of resilience among her patrons.
“In these times of global peace and economic stability, a slight uptick in beer prices isn’t going to put anyone offside. Our regulars are just happy to get absolutely filled to the gills with grog, have a bit of a gamble then help themselves to a dozen or so complimentary Lamingtons in the pokie den.” Sheila said, almost laughing.
Industry experts have noted that this is the 84th increase since the excise was introduced in 1983, a testament to the ever-ascending arc of progress. With the world currently enjoying an unprecedented era devoid of conflict, economic woes, or any form of hardship, it’s clear that a few extra cents for a cold one are a small price to pay for what you get.
More to come.
