ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A local man has today raised concerns about his general wellbeing after he was spotted at a Betoota Heights Liquorland with a single bottle of brain varnish sitting in his shopping basket.
The 2025 Bowlers Run Shiraz, despite the fact it’s still only February, was on sale for $4.99, a price that suggests it was bottled in a factory that also manufactures paint remover.
Standing in line behind him, fellow shopper Janine Plonk (57) couldn’t help but notice the bleak composition of his basket.
“A bottle of Bowler’s Run and a tube of Pringles,” she told The Advocate.
“That how Derryn Hinch ruined his birth liver, then had to selfishly take another and then proceed to soak that one in red wine, too. This man is a young Derryn.”
Eyewitnesses say the man, later identified as 34-year-old Daniel Whittaker, had the dead-eyed expression of someone who had to disassociated from their body on a packed train home from the city.
Experts say the Bowlers Run Shiraz purchase is a textbook sign of either uncouth frugality or a wanton need to Derryn Hinch yourself, with recent studies showing that 98% of people who buy a single bottle of sub-$5 wine at 7:45 PM on a Thursday are in the middle of an existential crisis.
Though Daniel refused to provide details on what led him here, it is believed the combination of cost-of-living pressures, a passive-aggressive email from HR, and a doomed attempt at Dry January played significant roles.
At press time, Daniel was seen leaving the store, making a mental note to buy Panadol before lunch tomorrow.
More to come.
