ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Pets are like people and should be treated as such. That’s the message from the nation’s other airline this week as their long-promised pet-friendly services edge closer to becoming a reality.
Because pets are like people, all passengers will be allowed to behave like a dog while on board. That means all passengers will be allowed to defecate and urinate wherever they want to. They will also be allowed to bark and/or yap at whatever they feel like.
Virgin customer experience boss Hugh Poon told The Advocate that they’re looking forward to becoming the only airline in the country that treats pets like they’re people.
“Imagine, a 55-year-old office equipment salesman, on all fours in the aisle of a 767,” he said.
“The sushi he had in the terminal isn’t sitting well and he lets out a long, solemn bark. A howl if you will. He then begins to take off his beige pleated slacks and his off-white Rio Y-fronts. You see his hairy backside, his buttocks spread and presenting the rear portion of his scrotum, the entire length of his gooch and of course, the brown-eye. All covered in a thick, wire-like jumble of hair,”
“Another moan, and you look eyes with the passenger across the aisle. The brown-eye blossoms, giving way to the devilishly pink interior of man. Then it comes. An 8-inch ‘cork’ of clay-like poo holding back a sloppy torrent of e-coli-laced katsu prawn sushi roll, shoots out as the cork lands on the carpet with a thud. It gets everywhere. It’s on your sleeve, sideburn and iPad Pro. The 55-year-old man dog turns to look behind and lets out another bark. The brown-eyes sucks back in on itself,
“His owner, a 54-year-old woman seated next to him, puts on a faux frown and pulls on the dog’s necktie. ‘Awww do you have an upset tum tum?’ she asks. She looks at the people her dog has just shat on. ‘Mr Crumb Crumb can’t help it,’ she said. ‘Say Sorry Mr Crumb Crumb'”
“And you accept it and laugh. Because he’s just acting like a dog. We’re on a pet-friendly flight, after all! If you’re an emotionally-unstable weirdo that treats a dog like it’s a human, we want your business.”
More to come.
