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The study, funded by the combined taxes of everyone on the planet that has that one friend who’s 5 foot 2 and incredibly sensitive about it, has finally provided empirical scientific evidence for a fact that scientists have known for generations – the shorter a man is, the more likely he’s going to start chatting shit with some random guy at 2am in a McDonalds and escalate for no fucking reason.
“It’s honestly a monumental day for science”, said Dr. Bradley Hughes, lead researcher on the study. “We’ve been trying to find falsifiable evidence of the link between height and desire to punch randos outside of fast food restaurants for decades. To finally have the research that proves the theory is truly a dream come true”
The study reportedly involved millions of volunteers from around the world, who all nominated a friend of theirs that was, to quote the original description, “bit of a short cunt who often picks a fight with a bigger guy in a sad effort to try and make up for the fact that essentially a large child”.The scientists were then able to collect data on how often each of these nominated subjects had gotten into physical or verbal altercations within a 200m radius of a McDonald’s restaurant – and the results were astounding.
“We couldn’t believe it when we first saw the results”, said Dr. Hughes. “At first I thought it might be an accident or an outlier of some kind – maybe there was just one fight involving 500 angry short guys, like after a Bruno Mars concert or something. Or maybe it was something else that might have skewed the data”
“But as time went on and more data was collected, it was clear that we had established a direct correlation between being short and deciding to be unnecessarily aggressive in front of slightly larger strangers trying to eat French Fries”
Despite the confirmation, however, Dr. Hughes is still adamant that a lot more research work has to be done before we can truly understand the height/Maccas paradigm.
“Obviously, now that we can say for sure that there is, in fact, a correlation, we need to ask ourselves why these short men are so angry when they’re outside McDonalds. Currently, we are operating under the theory that it’s because they are sad people who have somehow equated the value of their life with an uncontrollable physical aspect of their biology. It’s either that or the fries”.
