ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The team from one of the nation’s peak scientific bodies had today handed down their findings in a recent landmark study into the concentration and location of chilli within a Vietnamese pork roll.
And what the study has uncovered will send a shiver down your spine.
Speaking candidly to the media today with the type of blase attitude which invented WiFi and the Hendra virus vaccine, CSIRO spokesperson Deven Frisco said that his team discovered that basically all chilli within a Bahn Mi is confined to the last bite.
“Beleive it or not,” he said.
“Over the past year or so, a whole lot of researchers and scientists here at the Canberra labs have been smashing the pork rolls from the bakery downstairs. Glenn from the weaponised bees department basically lives off the things,”
“Anyway, 9 in 10 pork rolls our staff consumed had no chilli in them – except for the final mouthful. So the sting lingers long after the rich, complex arrangement of flavours is gone. That’s 90%, so we drafted up a report and released it. You’re welcome. You should see the new $20 banknotes, too. They are shit hot. If you’re able to counterfeit them, I doff my cap to you, criminal.”
The news has been met, however, with contempt from the South Betoota Vietnamese community, who say putting an ungodly amount of chilli at the end of the roll is the norm.
Annie Vo, owner-operator of the Shirley Temple Bakery on Daroo Street, said that customers who ask for chilli should be prepared for chilli – and to not complain when they come across chilli in their Bahn Mi.
“This is why I ask,” she said.
“Why in Blue Christ would the federal scientific research agency waste their fucking time on something like this? I mean, what in good fuck is wrong with you people?”
“You know you can open the sandwich up and look at it if you want? Or you can not have chilli if it’s going to blow your dumb fucking First Fleet head off. Anyway, my Bahn Mi are $3 a pop. Try beat that for lunch.”
More to come.
