CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
With the country under lock-down due to Coronavirus social distancing measures, the underachieving salarymen responsible for the democratic erosion of the Liberal Party have today met in a secret location to discuss the greatest threat to Australia as we know it.
And by greatest threat to Australia, they mean the greatest threat to their $300k+ public service salaries.
Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton has today met with fellow mining industry puppets George Christensen MP, Craig Kelly MP, Senator Matt Canavan and that creep from Tasmania that looks and sounds like a serial killer.
Choosing a South Coast NSW location within driving distance from Canberra as their secret location, the coalition’s far-right faction ignored the heartbreaking bushfire-ravaged landscape and immediately began discussing how to deal with the imminent controversy of former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull’s new autobiography.
This comes as a pirated copy of Malcolm Turnbull’s new memoir is circulated through the Liberal Party offices, which the publisher says originated from Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s office in an attempt to give all staffers a head start on the uncomfortable questions that are going to be thrown at them by the 5% of Australian journalists that aren’t owned by Rupert Murdoch.
The meeting began with a hysterical chatter around the fact that the COVID-19 lock-down has forced Gina to take them off the pay roll until she has a bit more financial security.
Peter Dutton, the unofficial leader of this group of faux-Christian climate change deniers, was quick to get the meeting back on track.
“Gentleman! Enough!” barked Dutton.
“By sunrise tomorrow, this book will be in the hands of every I-told-you-so leftie and moderate Liberal voter in the country!”
“We can talk about how we are going to pay for our beach houses another day!”
Craig Kelly MP backed up Dutton’s comments.
“He’s right, boys!” said Craig Kelly.
“How are we going to discredit this former Prime Minister? He’s basically just told the world our secrets”
“Now everyone is going to be asking questions about Peter’s childcare centres. George, they are going to be coming very hard and fast at you about why you choose to spend 60% of the working year floating around the red light district of Manila”
Senator Matt Canavan began shaking uncontrollably as he slipped into a panic attack.
“I… I haven’t read it. It’s too long” he spluttered.
“Do you think he’s written about how my brother owns all those mining licenses for North Queensland. It’s much easier to say the ABC is out of touch… But people listen to Turnbull…”
“Why’s he being so destructive. It isn’t fair… Why can’t he just cop it sweet and admit he had too much media and business experience to lead a party of people like us who champion common sense”
“Hear, hear!” shouted that creepy senator from Tasmania that looks and talks like serial killer.
“He just could never bring himself to admit that homosexuals are sinners and the CSIRO have a communist agenda”
Dutton then took over the reigns of the meeting to run through the playbook.
“Okay, the narrative is that Turnbull is a Greens Party sleeper cell and has invested heavily in the science industry and wants to take coal mining jobs away from Aussie farmers who are also war veterans”
“He’s unAustralian! Remember that word. UnAustralian. He can’t argue with it”
“Also say that he thinks the ANZACS are gay and was spotted lighting fires in the Blue Mountains in December!”
MORE TO COME.
