ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A local man has thrown his support behind a popular mental health group this afternoon in a fashion that is part of the reason why the group exists in the first place.
From the comfort of his rapidly-depreciating Betoota Heights display home, Mark Cook completed the Beyond Blue Challenge around 3pm today after being put to it by his friend, Doink Poleman.
“Two pumps of hand soap, directly into the gob to start,” Mark explained to our reporter.
“Then a whole can of Canadian Club, top to bottom. It’s high on fizz so you projectile vomit it back up almost immediately. If you’re not a seasoned drinker such as moi,”
“Followed up by a whole jar of chilli flakes. Just shot it like you would whisky, which brings us to our next poison,”
“Vanilla Fresh kitchen spray. If it’s good enough to kill the salmonella on my benchtop, it’s good enough for me. Two quick sprays in the mouth then last of all,”
“A measure of OP Rum. How fucken good? I love Beyond. Blue, they do God’s work. Fuck man, I’m so lost in my life, hey? I’ve got it all, great job, wife, kids and all. Own my house and my two cars but I still feel like a failure. Sorry mate, I think the kitchen spray has gone to my head, I shouldn’t be chewing your ear off about this shit, I’m sorry mate.”
However, Beyond Blue has distanced themselves from the viral challenges because doing them is ‘not in the spirit of the organisation’ according to the group’s spokesperson.
In a statement to this masthead this morning, Beyond Blue explained that while they were appreciative of the extra donations in these trying times, donating after you’ve literally self-harmed is not encouraged and should be stopped.
“Please, for the love of Christ, stop doing these challenges,” they said.
“Donate after you do something productive like kick a footy over the powerlines with your son a couple times. Actually, that could be dangerous. Don’t do that,”
“Fuck, I don’t know. Go on a walk or something. Just stop drinking kitchen spray.”
More to come.
