ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
She’s been around the sun almost 30 times and each time has been miserable.
No, Gwen Tysen isn’t depressed or even unhappy. She’s just a Cancer.
The 28-year-old said she’s been forced to wear her heart on her sleeve her whole life and can’t help but feel everything.
“I wish I didn’t take every mean comment to heart,” she said.
“And I wish I just felt happier. I’ve been so loyal to so many shit blokes who treated me bad. God, what the fuck is wrong with me?!”
“Plus! I was so protective of them! Fuck! But the news out of NASA changes everything. I’m not a moody little bitch anymore. I’m fucking Gemini.”
Gwen said she’s noticed a ‘massive change’ in her life since reading that article about the new zodiac sign in The Advocate’s lifestyle lift-out ‘Home & Hosed‘.
She’s more confident. Just last night, she told a disinterested Hinge date to get in the nearest bin and wait there until the garbage truck comes to take him home.
Friends have told her to be quiet in public. She ignores them.
Once able to make a decision, she’s now the most indecisive person in her friendship group.
“I feel like I’ve been electrocuted,” she said.
“In a good way. I can’t wait to use my Gemini powers for good – and bad,”
“I’m a new woman.”
More to come.
