LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact
Reverse gentrification is in the works today as a fringe group of Millennials are going to take back the housing market by bringing heroin back into the suburbs, where it belongs.
With the median value of Australian property, including both freestanding homes and units, currently sitting at $738,975, young people who are priced out of the property market have had to resort to dirty tactics in order to own a property.
For some it involves saying things around your parents such as ‘I’d love to have kids but not until we can afford our own place.’ For others it involves living in the back shed while your parents grow old, waiting to strike like a hermit crab that is only renting their current shell.
But for a guerilla activist group known as BrownStone Home Loans, the plan to increase housing affordability in Betoota’s French Quarter by reintroducing heroin seems to be the way to go.
“These terraces were so cheap in the ‘80s because there was always a risk a tweaker was going to break through your window and take your CDs,” stated an anonymous member of BrownStone Home Loans.
“Nowadays we have no junkies and no CDs. As a result the fella who bought this place for 40 cents in the ‘80s now makes a living off the back of the rent money I had to raid my super fund to pay.”
“If just a few of us develop a heroin problem severe enough to threaten the general safety of locals we might just be able to bring the property prices down! We might even be able to afford a place and moving in will be a breeze because some of us will have sold all our furniture to pay for dope!”
MORE TO COME.
