RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
26 year old financial risk analyst, Crox Prue, was up until 2am this morning identifying and analysing potential risks that threatened the financial position of one of Betoota’s largest employers, Betoota Spam Equivalents Group (BSEG).
Prue has worked for the food manufacturing giant for 10 years. His exciting work sees him keeping track of developments in the economy to identify potential risks before recommending strategies to avoid or minimise them.
He is a highly diligent and efficient analyst, and it is a role to which the man is naturally well-suited.
“Since I was a kid I’ve obsessively minimised exposure to financial risk, particularly that which manifests itself as money wasted. Like spending money for instance,” he told the Advocate via Skype.
While it appears that Prue has found his calling, friends of the man claim his job is affecting his personal relationships.
“He’s a complete tight-arse,” sighed Daniel Ham, his alleged best mate. “We all used to think it was endearing because that’s Pruey, you know? Super analytical, sees everything black and white, x = y, risk adverse robot type personality.”
“But we’re all fed up of having to shout him beers and buy his dinner.”
Bringing this news back to Prue via Skype, the Advocate asked whether he intended to loosen his arsehole and start paying his way to save his friendships.
“I have exactly 26 friends,” he said through the Skype call, looking like a blue lit cyborg with dark circles under his intense eyes. “I’ve calculated a high likelihood that if I continue my approach of complete money retention, I will lose 22 of those friends before I am 36.”
“I see little risk in needing more than 4 friends at 36. I’m a 39% chance to have coupled-up by that point given my 6ft 2 height compensates for my lack of personality. So instances of loneliness will be negligible, leading to a low need for my 4 remaining friends.”
The Advocate silently marvelled at just how well-suited Prue was to the job of risk analyst.
“When I am 33 I will buy Daniel one beer, which will in effect buy me an additional 10 years of friendship with him,” he said mechanically.
“I end the Skype call now.” He hung up on us.
