ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Earlier today, a local A Current Affair reporter was sent out to Betoota Ponds to get to the bottom of a problem that’s brought that community great pain.
A dodgy tradesman, a plumber to be exact, has had accusations of shonkiness levelled at him by scores of local residents who say they’ve paid him for a service he hasn’t delivered.
Checking his makeup in the passenger seat sun visor mirror, DTN-9 Imparja reporter Marcus Washbrook, let out a long and soft sigh and thought about the day he’d resign from A Current Affair for something better.
But that day is a long way away, so out he hopped and pumped himself up as Damien Goink, of Goink Plumbing and Taxidermy, walked out of his front door.
“Excuse me, Mr Goink. I’m Marcus Washbrook from A Current Affair,” he said in a stern voice.
Damien looked up at Marcus, frowned and told him to stay off his property.
Marcus ignored him, putting himself in a position where Damien would have to push him out of the way to get his front gate shut.
“Your silence is deafening, Mr Goink. What about the people you’ve ripped off?”
Nothing.
Using an old trick of his, Marcus turned to his cameraman and smiled.
“Mr Goink, is it true that you’re gay?”
As most of Betoota Ponds has had an inkling for years that Goink, a 51-year-old confirmed bachelor, enjoys the company of well-built men over that of a polite, homely lady, rumours have swirled for years surrounding his sexual penchants – something that Damien is well aware off.
With a sudden burst of furious anger, Damien lashed out at the television crew now trespassing on his property.
A choice few words were exchanged and Marcus’ cameraman said he had enough to put something good together.
As quickly as it started, it was over.
Now feeling guilty about the whole ordeal, Marcus quickly apologised to Damien off camera for his shocking and reprehensible behaviour.
“I’m sorry for bringing that up. I’m so sorry,” he said.
“Even if you are actually a dodgy tradie, you don’t deserve to be treated like that. No hard feelings?”
Just as Marcus put his hand out in a peace offering, Damien pulled a pair of 12-inch Crescents from the back of his belt and upside the television reporter’s head.
Now that Marcus’ brain was now rebooting slow while his lifeless corpse writhed freely on the nature strip, Damien turn his attention to the cameraman that was sprinting for the Prado parked across the cul-de-sac.
Our reporter also made a run for it.
Police and ambulance crews are currently on the scene, Marcus has been taken to Royal Betoota Base Hospital in a state of great disrepair.
This is a developing story.
More to come.
