DR CHET SPEVENS | Finance Expert | CONTACT
Hi, I’m Dr Chet Spevens. Finance guru, corporate wellness life coach and gold medallist at the Betoota Financial District’s 2008 Olympic Corporate Ladder Climb event.
As a large business owner, I know what it’s like to struggle to turn a profit. I know what it’s like to be a victim of the Covid downturn, rising interest rates, and multiple sexual harassment claims that to this day I strongly deny.
But I’ve still managed to thrive in the cut throat and steamy waters of corporate Australia. Do you want to know the secret to my success? It’s been my uncanny ability to maximise the utility of my interns for extended periods of time, sometimes indefinitely, without pay.
I haven’t paid a single intern a single dollar in over 16 years. And all 245 of my staff are interns. But it’s taken a lot of trial and error, and several court proceedings, to find the most efficient way to ruthlessly sprunge every dollar up like a Dyson vacuum and reduce my labour costs to zero.
Today, I share my learnings with you. The next generation of aspiring corporate fat cats. Because like me, you know that money is the only thing that matters in this wonderful neoliberal utopia we call home.
Next time you find yourself having to choose between letting your intern finish their internship and go on to bigger and better things, or coerce them into staying on for another year without pay, follow my simple ‘money sprunge conversation’ template that is guaranteed to work.
MONEY SPRUNGE TEMPLATE
Intern: Thank you for giving me this wonderful opportunity, sir. It’s been an exhausting 3 months but I’ve learnt a lot.
You: You’re welcome. You’ve done such an amazing job that I’ve decided to offer you a rare opportunity and extend your time here for 2 more years.
Intern: Oh, thank you! Oh God, I could really use the money of an actual job.
You: (silent death stare) Interns don’t get paid.
Intern: Umm. I don’t know if –
You: If you don’t take advantage of this exciting opportunity then I’ll personally make it my life’s mission to destroy you.
Intern: (wide-eyed horror)
You: Get the fuck out of my office and get back to work.
That’s right. Maximising the utility of your unpaid interns is as easy as that!
