ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The Deputy Prime Minister has defeated the covid and has returned home to Canberra today with a suitcase full of dead American street cats that Prime Minister Scott Morrison asked him to bring home with him.
Barnaby Joyce explained to waiting media today in a Parliamentary courtyard that he spent an entire day walking around Washington DC trying to catch cats for his boss back home in Australia.
“I set a few traps and borrowed one of those critter pole things you see on those animal control shows,” chuckled Joyce.
“The Americans were a bit confused as to why me, the Deputy Prime Minister of arguably their closest but least useful allied power, was being tasked with collecting cats to bring home to Australia. They thought it might’ve been a cultural thing, yada yada yada,”
“But to the best of my knowledge, Scott needed a few dead cats to throw about to keep the press off their usual ‘Scotty From Marketing = Bad’ theme that they’ve been going with for a few months now. It’s crazy how things can just turn like that. One minute, he’s on the cover of the Telegraph changing the radiator oil in his Santa Fe, then next he might as well as be Bill Shorten from Bronte they’re off him that much,”
“Anyway, I just threw the cats in there and I zipped it up. Didn’t open it until I got to the Prime Minister’s office this morning. He said, ‘Mate, what’s in the suitcase?’ and I just chuckled and threw it up on his desk and opened it. Mate, he damn near jumped to the other side of the room. Like that Seymour Hoffman character doing that White Chocolate basketball shit with all the yelling and carrying on,”
“So he said, ‘Get rid of these fucking cats right now and do not speak to the journalists in the courtyard until you do. But yeah, you guys know me, I just can’t help myself sometimes. My staffers are taking the cats down to the Lake now anyway to feed the eels so all’s well that ends well.”
More to come.
