ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Out on his usual Wednesday morning run in Canberra, Opposition leader Bill Shorten took the time to come up with a few good barbs to throw back at David Leyonhjelm – just in case the unpopular misogynist comes after him at work today.
Flanked by his ex-SAS bodyguards as they jogged around Lake Burley-Griffin, the Victorian bounced a few ideas off them to varying amounts of positive feedback.
“What if I call him a fuckwit? Like if I was talking to a property developer hell-bent on making workers work in the rain?” puffed Bill to his close protection leader, John.
John Citizen, who makes running with a Glock 19 down the back of a pair of gym pants look easy, said he should try being a bit wittier.
“I dunno, Bill. That’s a bit blunt,” said John like he wasn’t even running.
“Maybe you should say something like he’s only doing this to get his name out there before the election – and that it’s kind of fucked up that he’s chosen to go after a divorced mother to do it.”
Bill agreed but said he needed to be on the front foot and pull him to the rope like Ricky Ponting would – rather than flick the insults off his pads ala Mark Waugh.
“That’s a valid point, John,” coughed Bill.
“But if he calls me a soft cock like he did to Malcolm, I reckon I’ll just have to flat drop a c-bomb on him. The voters will like that. People reacted well when that robot Chris Pyne dropped one in the House.”
John laughed.
“Yeah, but you can’t say that word in that place. You’ll be no better than he is then. I reckon you should just say ‘it takes one to know one’ or something to that effect,”
Just as they started back up Parliament Hill, the Prime Minister’s BMW slowed alongside them and slowed to a light jogging pace.
The rear window slid down and Malcolm popped his head out.
“Good morning, Bill!” said the PM.
“Do you want a lift?”
Bill said he was OK.
“What do you think I should say back to Leyonhjelm today? Should I even respond?”
Shrugging, Bill said it was up to him.
“I think I’m going to double down as well and call him a ‘redundant fence-sitting cunt’ and be done with it.”
He got the double thumbs up from John, Bill and the rest of the sputtering trade union’s close protection detail.
Bill coughed again.
“Fuck John, that’s a pretty good comeback. I might get in and call him that before he does.”
More to come.
