CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
In some breaking non-Coronavirus related news, a bunch of privileged old white boys have today secured the freedom of another privileged old white boy in his last shot at having a rather black and white conviction of child rape quashed this morning.
Cardinal George Pell, the once-highest-ranking Catholic in Australia has won his High Court appeal this morning, with his conviction overturned and is expected to be released from Barwon Prison near Geelong in Victoria shortly.
Pell has released a statement in his first public comments since being jailed.
“I hold no ill will to my accuser, I do not want my acquittal to add to the hurt and bitterness so many feel; there is certainly hurt and bitterness enough.
“However my trial was not a referendum on the Catholic Church; nor a referendum on how Church authorities in Australia dealt with the crime of paedophilia in the Church – which we know is not really that big of deal in our organisation, despite what the media will tell you”
It is believed that Pell will be taken directly to his favourite tattoo parlour in one of the Catholic Ghettos near Essendon airport, and will immediately update the shoulder tattoo he received in prison.
Pell’s ‘only God can judge me’ tattoo made headlines in 2019, after he was denied an appeal in the Victorian courts.
Much like Andrew Bolt and Miranda Devine, Pell believed he was the victim of a political witch-hunt spurred by the inconvenient Royal Commission findings that suggested 20% of all Catholic clergymen in Australia either perpetrated pedophilia or protected those that had.
Knowing he could no longer rely on the favours of Prime Ministers or a biased Victorian legal system to secure his release, Pell got a tattoo that implied he no longer had faith in the judgement of anyone but his God.
However, today, after a High Court decision undermined the findings of the 2018 jury – Pell now has faith in the legal system again – and wants to highlight that in his tattoo.
With tattoo shops now closed due to social distancing measures, Pell has had to get his tattoo get a dodgy car park job – adding “and the High Court” to the list of institutions that he believes are allowed to judge him.
“This’ll look sick when I get the coi fish” said Cardinal Pell.
“Haha. Let’s go to the pub!”
At time of press, Pell’s elderly rock spider friends were struggling to explain to him that the pubs aren’t open.
MORE TO COME.
