ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Kia’s hotly-anticipated ute has been spotted in Betoota this afternoon after what’s being described as a brutal testing programme in the Western Queensland heat, according to witnesses.
The vehicle is much smaller than industry commentators were expecting, signalling a departure from the ‘curb weight arms race’ between car manufacturers that’ve seen utes get progressively bigger in recent years.
Witnesses say this model was obviously the base version as it didn’t have airbags, a CD player or even leather seats.
“It had a cassette deck. The floor was covered with cigarette butts and fast food wrappers,” said one onlooker.
“Manual crank windows. Obivously inspired by the [Toyota] Landcruiser. Front fog lights and bench seat. You never see bench seating in the front anymore.”
Kia has remained tight-lipped about the discovery. Neither the local office or the South Korean headquarters have responded to The Advocate’s request for comment on the new ute that’s set to take the local market by storm.
One witness raised valid concerned about the vehicle’s apparent lack of safety tech.
“It looks like your legs are the crumple zone,” they said.
“Plus, the seatbelts are only lap belts. In a head on, it looks like the steering column would spear you through the aorta and spinal cord. The windscreen looks like it’s made from the same glass as the glass you’d find in an unrenovated Victorian-era terrace house,”
“It also doesn’t have independent rear suspension and it looks like they’ve put a few bags of cement in the back to keep the bum from playing in the corners. It only has a four-speed gearbox.You standard H pattern with reverse to the right and down. You know, putting the gear knob in your pocket type work,”
“To be honest, it looks pretty good. To drive this thing, you’d have to have a cock the size of a dachshund. Nuts like rockmelons. In a sack big as a briefcase. Shit it looks dangerous.”
More to come.
