ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
“It doesn’t matter who the Prime Minister is or which party is in power, my life just sails on ahead,” he said.
“But what does matter in my life is the decision I’m about to make now.”
Lying on his parent’s couch this morning, Alphie Stevens had four tabs open and a credit card sitting on his chest.
“Patagonia, North Face, Kathmandu or RM Williams?” he asked our reporter sitting opposite him in the living room of his parent’s leafy Betoota Grove home.
The 23-year-old pursed his life.
Many of his friends and peers from The Whooton School, one of the Diamantina’s most exclusive and needlessly expensive school for boys, have already selected Kathmandu.
“I’ve always been an individual but I’m not sure if I can pull off a North Face. That’s more of a girl thing, you know. Yankees cap, nice top, black North Face puffer vest, black yoga pants and some fresh kicks. Don’t get me wrong, that really puts the doughnut in the tea for me, I just wouldn’t wear North Face,”
“So it looks like RM Williams, the Bush Outfitter. Italian-owned, Bangladeshi-made. Wouldn’t old Reginald be spinning in his grave? Anyway, a label is a label.”
And with that, young Alphie broke free of the shackles of fuckboyhood.
No longer bound by his innate ability to ghost his way out of casual relationships. Replying to texts is still low on his priority list. Is it 2 am on a Saturday morning yet? You’ll know when it is because Alphie will shoot out a text to someone he hooked up with 11 weeks ago asking if they’re still awake.
Now, he says, he’s a fuckman.
“I’m looking forward to experiencing even less consequences for my poor judgement,” he said.
“The black puffer vest is more than just nylon, polyester and child slave labour, it’s a way of life. It screams, ‘I don’t care if you were at the bar before me, I’m going to order anyway,’ and things like that,”
“It’s a licence to be a bag of shit. You might as well call me Colostomy Bag Stevens now because I intend to spend the rest of my life living like one.”
More to come.
