ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Australia’s most self-made inheritor, Gina Rinehart, has stunned the tech world by acquiring TikTok.
The surprise move is reportedly part of Gina’s ambitious plan to boost her profile in the United States, much like Rupert Murdoch did with Fox News, but with fewer conspiracy theories and naked mammary glands and more mining propaganda. According to insiders, the billionaire envisions TikTok as a tool to educate young Americans about the virtues of resource extraction, the evils of regulation, and the unfortunate habit of native populations to complain about absolutely everything and biting the hand that feeds them.
“I’m not here to turn a profit,” breathed Rinehart.
“I’m here to protect our kids from the corrosive influence of TikTok’s Western decadence and replace it with good, clean content. No more loose women and no more profanity, and definitely no more whinging about land rights.”
The rebranded platform, rumoured to be named RineTok, will feature wholesome young influencers promoting the benefits of open-cut mining, coal seam gas, and the robust Australian work ethic. Gone will be the viral dance trends, loud people of colour, and social justice commentary. Instead, users will be treated to mining-themed dances”and tutorials on how to spot anti-progress activists in your community.
Critics have pointed out that Rinehart’s approach seems to lack diversity, with the revamped TikTok expected to exclusively feature nice, demure white kids in conservative clothing. While Rinehart dismissed this as “nonsense from the PC brigade,” the new content guidelines explicitly ban “mouthy individuals who talk back,” a thinly veiled swipe at creators who use the platform to discuss systemic racism and social inequality.
Other features will include an “Australian Values” filter to remove swearing, Muslims, and any mention of renewable energy. There are also plans for a flagship series Do Ya Dig It? where influencers will explain why strip-mining is actually a form of landscaping and how traditional owners should be grateful for the jobs and dust.
Reaction to the announcement has been mixed. While conservative commentators praised Rinehart for her bold stance, TikTok’s younger audience is reportedly fleeing to Chinese language competitor RedBook.
Still, Rinehart remains undeterred.
“America needs to hear the truth,” she said.
“My truth.”
More to come.
