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In shocking news, the federal government announced today that the beloved Healthy Harold program, a health and life skills course for primary school kids, will soon be replaced by reformed criminals that you’ve seen on TikTok.
The government denies this is a cost-cutting measure, claiming it’s quite the opposite.
“This will actually cost us way more money; these guys charge a pretty penny for their wisdom,” said one government spokesperson.
“Kids don’t want to learn the dangers of drugs and alcohol from a puppet giraffe anymore. Instead, they’d rather listen to a bloke with face tattoos who goes on TikTok every day, telling wild stories about his past exploits.”
The decision has been criticized by those who argue the Department of Education won’t be able to find enough TikTok tough guys to cover every school in the nation.
“What our critics don’t understand is that ex-prison inmates turning to TikTok to entertain office workers fantasizing about the underworld has become a major employer for our jail population,” explained the spokesperson.
“There’s practically a dozen for every suburb at this point.”
The new government strategy aims to re-engage Generation Alpha, who have already seen the darker sides of humanity online by age 4.
“The giraffe puppet simply isn’t going to cut it anymore. We need to face the facts and reach kids on their level—the kids need to hear a guy with a giant scar across his face telling them in detail about the real-world consequences of methamphetamine.”
