ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The Liberal Party have announced their long-awaited housing policy today in Canberra.
While the details of the plan aren’t known or set in stone yet, the meat of the policy is simply a A$5bn wire transfer from the Commonwealth’s Everyday Saver Account to popular property developer, Mertion.
Meriton has enjoyed a reputation around the country for being a purveyor of fine apartments for every Australian. From the white collar serf looking to purchase their first outer-metro dog box, to the wily investor looking to cram as many Chinese and/or Indian students into a two bedroom apartment as they can. Sweeping, bespoke, luxury and architecturally-considered three bedroom apartments for the Catholic-adjacent families who cannot stop breeding. Meriton caters for those just starting out to those who simply cannot pull out.
Which is why the Labor-alternative party is cutting out the middle man, according to party leader Peter Dutton.
“It’s about streamlining the economy and getting the money to where it needs to be. In the hands of the people who are doing the building,” explained Dutton.
The Opposition leader spoke to The Advocate today after being convinced by his press secretary that this masthead was actually the Betoota Bugle, our cross town News Corp-owned rival.
“Meriton is a great Australian company built by a great Australian in Harry Triguboff. Without developers like Meriton, where would the bottom rung of our capitalist society rest their head? That’s right. For every pathetically overweight city working yuppie shitebag ordering a Pad Thai on Uber Eats because it can’t be fucked cooking or even walking to the shops, we need some sort of peasant to pedal to the shops, pick it up and essentially mash it down that fat yuppie cunt’s gullet,”
“Those peasants, whatever shithole country they are from, needs a place to live. Developers like Meriton provide that. To keep the economy growing, we need more peasants and fatter yuppies willing to spend frivolously in the economy. The other day, I overheard a staffer in a Labor minister’s office, say they got Krispy Kreme donuts delivered on Uber Eats. That is disgraceful. They should be put in some sort of gunt gulag. Paying $55 for some poor illegal Bengali to pedal you up some donuts is crook. Beyond crook and I will stop that.”
Dutton’s press secretary then realised who he was speaking to and the call ended.
More to come.
