ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A French Quarter terrace dweller says he’s sick and tired of other people in the neighbourhood helping themselves to the rosemary he has in his front garden – so he’s going to come up with a plan to stop them.
Speaking to The Advocate in a rather unhinged manner, Rue de Putain graphic designer Jacques Paget explained that while he didn’t actually mind people taking a small amount, there are some who are stripping entire sections of the bush.
“It boils my piss, it does,” explained Paget.
“And I’m sick of it. So I’ve been brainstorming a few different ways to make sure it stops. The first idea I had, was to wait up on the roof for the rosemary thief to walk past and help themselves. I would be on the roof with a bunch of bricks and I would throw one down as a warning, perhaps near them. If I accidentally threw the brick and it landed on the top of their head and pushed their thriving fucking eyeballs out their eye sockets, landing with the wet crackle of eggshells being hammered into rump steak, and leaving them writhing on the footpath like a carp on a riverbank, then so be it,”
“Then I thought about simply spraying the rosemary, save for a small section for me, with something such as ipecac or a manure mixture with e.coli in it. So when the thief took it home, and did not wash it, they would get extremely sick and think twice about it,”
“Perhaps this one is a bit drastic but I would wait in my car for the robbers and when they did the crime, I would start my engine and drive up on the footpath and bowl them over and keep going. Drive down to the city and torch my car then phone the police with my fake crying voice and say it was stolen, etc. I’m not willing to go to prison over this or receive the customary flogging from Queensland Police upon my arrival at the watchhouse,”
“Sorry, this all must sound mad to you but I’ve had such a bad year. Well, two years. My business is tanking and I’m trying to quite coffee, cigarettes and alcohol cold turkey at the same time so I’m not feeling myself.”
More to come.
