ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Residents of a modest red-brick apartment block on Rue des Perdus in our town’s bohemian French Quarter are amused to the point of frustration after being served yet another passive-aggressive email from the local Strata committee’s self-appointed compliance officer, old bastard Doug Barclay.
Doug, 73, who occupies a third-floor apartment overlooking Parc de la Branlette, has developed a reputation within the complex for his annoying vigilance and an unrelenting passion for listening to the sound of his own voice.
From his kitchen window, which overlooks both the visitor parking spots and the shared BBQ area, Doug has become known to many new residents very quickly.
“First, it was my dog walking on the carpet in the foyer,” said resident Clarissa LaBeouf, who often attempts to sneak her Borzoi past Doug’s window for its afternoon toilet trip.
“Apparently, Snooty McSnootface’s paws are causing ‘undue wear and tear’ on the ‘common facilities.’ Meanwhile, Doug puts full bottles of his own urine in the recycling bins.”
In just the last month, Doug has lodged no fewer than 37 complaints to the Strata, addressing a variety of petty grievances, from the amount of time cars spend in visitor parking to the faint sounds of crying babies in neighbouring apartments.
“I swear he sits there with a stopwatch, timing how long guests park for,” said Guy Dupont, a father of two whose in-laws had overstayed the visitor parking by a whole seven minutes last weekend.
“Got an email that same day, informing me they had exceeded the maximum two-hour limit. He attached a photo of the car with a timestamp on it. I’m amazed nobody’s booted him down the stairs yet.”
For those in the complex unfortunate enough to live within earshot of Doug, life is an exercise in patience.
He has even complained about the noise from Le Gorille Courbé, the small French bistro down the road that’s been operating since 1985, claiming the noise of diners was interfering with the neighbourhood’s peace.
A recent addition to Doug’s long list of grievances includes a particularly niche objection to people drying their laundry for too long on balconies that overlook the lush Rue du Chat Pipe, which he claims is an affront to the aesthetic of the complex.
“He got me the other day for running my washing machine after 9 PM,” said fellow resident Marie Lapin.
“He said it was disturbing his fish as they’re distressed by the water running through the pipes.”
Rumours have even surfaced that Doug once demanded the building’s Strata replace the communal doormat because it was too welcoming and might invite miscreants inside.
“Honestly, I will dance on his grave,” added Guy.
“If he had a car, I would’ve booted the side mirrors off years ago.”
Though most residents have tried to remain polite with Doug over the years, even going so far as to pretend they don’t see him glaring from his balcony at Le Café de la Colère during Sunday brunch, it’s become clear that appeasing the man is a lost cause.
Until then, it seems Doug Barclay, Betoota’s most miserable old bastard, will remain steadfast in his mission to enforce order within the confines of the red-brick fortress on Rue des Perdus, as he wages a one-man war against the modern scourges of dogs, overweight visitors, and drying laundry.
More to come.
