EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact
Though Australians may be quick to dial in the ‘whinging pom’ stereotype as we smugly announce we’re no strangers to a heatwave ourselves, our brothers and sisters across the pond are unfortunately not as equipped to handle scorching temperatures, which sees London expected to reach a staggering 41 degrees either today or tomorrow.
Add to that houses that were originally built with central heating and a lack of air conditioners (because again, it’s fucking LONDON) and it’s understandable why everything from businesses, train lines and airports have been shut down, and why the heatwave has been declared a ‘national emergency’ and yet another example of a climate change crisis.
But hey, as long as everyday people just leave their car at home and limit their intake of red meat, we can fix this. Because as we all know, it’s not the responsibility of massive GHG emission producing corporations or people like Kylie Jenner who take a three minute flight on their private jet to make a dent on this issue, it’s us. So next time you find yourself selfishly reaching for some mince at Woollies, just strip off your clothes and flagellate yourself in the middle of the aisle instead, you disgusting pig.
This heatwave has also had a significant impact on London’s booming tourism industry, which has forced the Buckingham Palace to make a few small changes to ensure the safety of their workers – in particular, the Queen’s guards, who could not be expected to stand in the glaring heat wearing a long sleeved uniform, trousers and a bearskin hat.
It’s alleged the guards had originally fought for a stringlet and some boardies, but the captain deemed that to be too unprofessional and has instead offered a compromise – replacing the bearskins with a novelty drinking hat and their favourite beverage of choice.
Though the novelty hat did help the guards survive the heatwave, it did make them look significantly less intimidating, though that had more to do with them choosing Fosters beer than the actual hat itself.
More to come.
