ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
As the U.S. election count begins this afternoon Queensland Channel Country Time (QCCT) time, local Sky News Uncle Daryl McMahon has reportedly prepared himself for the big day by drafting two equally unhinged text messages for either possible result. Daryl, a self-proclaimed free-thinker and an enthusiastic consumer of Facebook, is ready to unleash his emotions via a mass text message to his wider family group depending on which way the election swings.
Sources close to Daryl, a retired butcher, say he’s been anxiously waiting for an excuse to fire off his takes on American politics, which he believes directly impacts his medium-sized, cosmopolitan, inland port city. He’s been keeping his drafts handy and was spotted doing a last round of edits on each version, just to make sure he gets the tone right.
Draft #1: Trump Wins If Trump wins, Daryl’s text reads:
“Well, well, well! Looks like common sense and real men are back in charge. You little Albo voters can go cry their little tears, but nothing’s stopping the Trump Train now! The world is back in order! Freedom prevails AGAINST ALL ODDS. PS – Did you know Kamala was never even legally allowed to run? Look it up. FACTS. See you at Christmas, Daz.”
When asked why he cares so much about the U.S. president’s impact on his life in Australia, Daryl said he’s concerned about the world his nieces and nephews will inherit. That the world needs a strongman on the wall now, to stare down Putin and the bloke in China.
Draft #2: Kamala Harris Wins If Kamala Harris ends up taking office, Daryl plans to send:
“Hope you’re all ready for the end times. A communist in the White House is the final nail in society’s coffin. Mark my words – within six months, the government will control EVERYTHING. They will turn your electric car off. Cash is gone, our freedoms are GONE. Stock up on canned beans, people. You’ve been warned. Will be lucky to see you at Christmas, it will probably be banned by then. Daz.”
While his family is already muting his messages in anticipation, Daryl remains confident that he’s the only one truly prepared for what’s coming. Meanwhile, he has proudly reminded everyone that he’s got “insider information” from his sources at Sky News After Dark.
More to come.
