ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Local city worker Darren van der Merwe reportedly consumed a grand total of two schooners of heavy at the Dodo Internet after-work drinks yesterday, and immediately transformed into a walking, talking National Geographic documentary about his adventures back home in his native South Africa.
Eyewitness accounts confirm that after only a few sips of his second schooner, van der Merwe’s eyes lit up with the fiery zeal of a man determined to educate his unsuspecting coworkers about the complexities of life on the African savannah. He did so through the vehicle of illegal baboon hunting.
“I’m telling you guys, those baboons can be a real menace back home,” said van der Merwe, prompting a mix of incredulous stares and uncomfortable shuffling among his colleagues.
“You won’t believe the cunning of those creatures! They steal food from our houses, man, and sometimes, they even manage to unlock car doors. But not on my watch! I’ve taken down my fair share, I can tell you that,”
“When we go back to the farm for Christmas, my cousins and I shoot so many of them. We lost count last time. That’s just part of life out there, the baboons think they run the show but let me tell you, ladies, they don’t.”
However, a number of Darren’s female colleagues were really impressed with his stories of shooting baboons. One told The Advocate that she loved the story about the time he caught up with this gang of devious baboons that had stolen all of his grandfather’s oranges.
“I found it really hot how he told us at 5:30pm in a packed beer garden with kids about that he spent last summer shooting mammals in the head with a crossbow,” she told our reporter.
“You just don’t get that with Australian men, they want to talk about the weather or office politics. Or real politics or the property market. Here’s a tip to all the 35-year-old Australian men looking for something to talk about when they’re talking to women. Just ask questions about us, don’t talk about you but if you must talk about you, tell me stories about shooting feral pigs or kangaroos,”
“I’d even take a story about you dropping a brick on a pigeon from a second story window when you were in high school. That’s hot.”
More to come.
