LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Research scientists at Betoota University have today made the long-anticipated announcement; ordering takeaway under the guise of ‘Supporting Local Businesses’ roughly translates to ‘I cannot be fucked cooking tonight.’
The research study was originally aimed to find a cure for COVID-19 by observing the actions of those in quarantine in what may be the most low-key Big Brother reboot yet.
Unable to find a conclusive problem to the biggest problem facing the world right now or COVID-19, one intern observing the study pointed out the data revealed more than meets the eye.
“A lot of those studied said they were ordering takeaway to support local businesses, but I hypothesized they just weren’t fucked cooking,” stated intern Lida Staples.
“Turns out I was right. Supported some local businesses to celebrate.”
According to the study, several of the research subjects have supported local businesses up to five times a week doing more to support local business than arguably any Prime Minister.
“People are still in the kitchen but they’re making things you can already buy, like bread and pasta,” stated research leader Dr Ken Mould.
“I mean, it’s better than organising an illegal fireworks and shooting night for all your cousins but it’s still a weird way to pass the precious time you have on Earth.”
