ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
In a groundbreaking move that has both angered and elated residents of the Island State, the Tasmanian Parliament has introduced a controversial bill aiming to legalise marriages between Mainlanders and Tasmanians. The move, hailed by some as a step towards inclusivity and by others as a desperate plea for a mainland rescue mission, has sparked heated debates across the island.
The bill, aptly named “Marriage Equality (Mainland) Act,” promises to unite hearts and minds across the choppy waters that have long separated Tasmanians from the rest of the nation. Proponents argue that love knows no borders, while skeptics wonder if the bill is merely an attempt to lure unsuspecting mainlanders into a state known for its unpredictable weather, elusive Tasmanian Tigers, and the annoying rich yuppie cunts from Sydney and Melbourne that’ve fucked Hobart and turned it into a cheap Shein copy of Copenhagen.
Tasmanian MP, Dobronian The Red (pictured), the chief architect behind the bill, delivered an impassioned speech on the parliament floor.
“It’s time we put an end to this outdated, geographical discrimination,” he declared, cupping his large pointed ears.
“Why should a Tasmanian heart be denied the right to skip a beat for a Mainlander, and vice versa? We’re all Australians, unfortunately.”
Critics, however, argue that this bill is a thinly veiled attempt to boost Tasmania’s population, which currently hovers around the same number as an exclusive dinner party for wombats.
“This is just a desperate ploy to get more people to move to Tassie. We banned it for a reason,” remarked one local, shaking his head in disbelief.
“I mean, have they tried looking in the personals section in The Mercury?”
The bill, if passed, would allow Mainlanders and Tasmanians to freely exchange vows, provided they can navigate the treacherous waters of cultural differences, like whether to call it an “art gallery” or an “elaborate tax write off” and the eternal debate on where the line is between Cascade and Boag’s drinkers. Who put those creepy monkeys in that park in Launceston? Why does Clancy make a point of buy 40 McNuggets to dump in their enclosure each time he goes to Launceston?
In anticipation of potential influx, Tasmanian tourism officials have already launched a new campaign titled “Tassie: More Than Just Seasonal Depression And Dickheads From Melbourne”.
The campaign highlights the state’s stunning landscapes, gourmet food scene, and the fact that your chances of running into a celebrity here are roughly the same as encountering a Tasmanian tiger at your local Coles.
As the debate rages on, one thing is certain: Tasmania is no longer content being the forgotten freak stepson of the Australian family.
Whether this bill is a genuine effort to promote love across state lines or a clever scheme to boost the population remains to be seen. In the meantime, Mainlanders are advised to bring an umbrella, a map, and a strong sense of humor if they plan on saying “I do” in the land of devils and daring legislation.
More to come.
