ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The debut of the Kyle and Jackie-O Show in Melbourne took an unexpected turn today as radio host Kyle Sandilands unleashed a graphic tale that left listeners simultaneously shocked, amused, and entertained.
Returning to Melbourne’s outer suburbs this afternoon, Coburg painter Dimitrios Papastathopoulos found himself flicking through the city’s many radio stations trying to find something that wasn’t people talking.
He settled on a station playing Taxiride’s 2002 smash hit “Creepin’ Up Slowly” and enjoyed the last 40 seconds of it, tapping his hands on the steering wheel of his completely messed-up Citroen van.
A voice he wasn’t familiar with came on the airwaves.
“Jackie, I have to tell you a story about what happened to me the other day, it’s awful. It’s disgusting,” said the Pride of Wynnum, Kyle Sandilands.
Dimitrios turned up the radio as Jackie-O asked him what happened.
“Well, I was getting in the bath. It’d been a long day, bloody terrible. Was up early, pottered about, got some breakfast and a coffee with some friends, and went to work and you know, all the stuff we have to do,” said Kyle.
Dimitrios nodded and took a sip from the bottle of flat Fanta in the console.
“It was that day we had the photoshoot and none of the clothes fit me, it was terrible. So that night, I ran myself a nice bath and as I’m getting in the nude to get in, I slip on the bath and some idiot’s left a little toy car in the bathtub, and it’s slipped up my bum!”
Dimitrios spat the flat Fanta onto the van’s instrument cluster.
“Ohhhh Kyle!” said Jackie O.
“That’s disgusting! That didn’t happen!”
Kyle remained adamant it did.
“Jackie, I wouldn’t lie about something like this. So I’ve panicked and I’ve tried to fish it out, but I’m not as flexible as I was so I could only get one finger up there. I nearly ripped myself open. That’s not the worst part, I left out this big moan and the wife thought I’d hurt myself!”
Dimitrios shook his head in disgust.
“Damn, this is appalling,” he said.
“What the heck is this?”
Kyle continued.
“So it disappears up my arse, and I’ve just finished the bath and got into bed. Tried to forget about it.”
Jackie interjects.
“You’re telling me you’ve been walking around with a toy car somewhere inside you for weeks?”
Kyle shook his head.
“You’ll never guess, but on Monday, I coughed up the same car! It was a Matchbox Porsche 911! They’re shaped like a butt plug as it is!”
Dimitrios shook his head again but this time, he was laughing.
“Damn. That’s bullshit!”
He then held down “1” on his car stereo, saving the station in pole position.
More to come.
