ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A Betoota Heights man has expressed his disappointment and mild disdain after sitting down to a vegetarian dinner prepared by his partner, only to find it was just a bunch of random vegetables with a thick layer of melted cheese over the top.
Office worker Tony Richards told The Advocate that his domestic life partner, Emily, had been trying to convince him to eat less meat for months. Last night, she finally took the plunge and served up what she described as a “one of Jamie Oliver’s delicious and wholesome vegetarian dinners.”
However, Tony was less than impressed with the meal.
“I came home expecting something special, you know, that lisping Pom can cook. Something that would make me think twice about having a steak for dinner,” he said. “But no, it was just a bunch of shit with a bit of cheese melted over it.”
Tony detailed the components of the meal with a sigh.
“There was a layer of zucchini, some soggy eggplant, a few slices of tomato, and what I think might have been capsicum. And then, to top it all off, there was half a kilo-block of cheddar grated on top of it. It was like she’d tried to recreate lasanyer [sic] but forgot the pasta, meat, and the entire point. Fucking Jamie, mate. Letting me down again.”
Despite his reservations, Tony said he tried to keep an open mind.
“I took a few bites and it was just… mushy. And don’t get me wrong, I love cheese as much as the next bloke, but this was excessive. It was like she thought the cheese would magically make it taste like a burger. I put some Sriracha on it, that was a good shout.”
Emily, a committed vegetarian for this week, defended her creation.
“Tony always says he takes 45 minutes after lunch to squeeze out a poo, so I thought this would be a nice change. Plus, cheese makes everything better, right?” she laughed. “I think he just needs to give it another chance.”
Tony, however, remains unconvinced.
“I don’t actually do 45 minutes of active pooing. Probably about 10 then I just sit there looking at cheap Fairlanes on Marketplace for the other 40. All on company time, mind you. Anyway, I’ll give it another go when she learns how to cook something that doesn’t taste like grass clippings and cheese. Maybe something by that Ottolenghi or Matt Preston.”
Emily has since vowed to up her vegetarian cooking game, promising her next dish will be a “culinary masterpiece.” Tony has cautiously agreed to be her guinea pig, but only if there’s a backup steak in the fridge.
More to come.
