LOUIS BOURKE | Culture | Contact
We all love a good royal scandal and by ‘we’ I mean people with not much else on, both as a regular member of society and as a journalist whose writing career hasn’t quite panned out the way they hoped.
Apart from ‘who cares’, the biggest criticism of the #WhereIsKate movement is ‘who has time for this crap?’
Well the answer is simple bucko, sometimes you need to MAKE TIME which is why I’ve made a list of 8 healthy habits you need to ditch so you can spend more time focusing on our Kate’s whereabouts.
CLEAN EATING
Despite the fact this is so 2014, eating healthy requires a year of ingredient prep before making 219 portions of tasteless crap you’ll be shovelling down your reluctant throat hole until it’s you that may require a suspiciously vague abdominal surgery. Just order a quick takeaway and eat it with your face down a royal black hole like a human.
EXERCISE
Do you know the World Health Organisation recommends 30 minutes of exercise per day? That’s three and a half hours per week! That’s 182 hours per year that you’re not knuckling down and trying to find Kate you skinny, selfish git!
ENOUGH SLEEP
Even with the untracked movements of our future Queen aside, if you’re one of those people who gets eight hours of high quality sleep each night I’d just like to say, fuck you. Cut out that sleeping crap and get in a Twitter beef with me you weirdo!
SOCIALISING
Alright Mr bloody Maslow, your self-actualisation, esteem and some other shit I had to Google are all sorted and now you have time to see your friends in person. The nerve. Ever heard of a group chat? All the power of talking to your friends on the toilet with the ability to quickly share a screenshot of a child’s hand clearly muffled by Photoshop.
READING BOOKS
Newsflash, if you read 50,000 Tweets a day that’s the equivalent of a book a week except now you understand one of the biggest global conspiracies and not some useless shit about the ‘60s or something.
MEDITATION
This might anger some of you in the comments section but there is no proof meditation actually works or even exists. Meanwhile, there is ever-mounting proof that Kate might be held in the same Windsor family prison that Di was held before making her cursed escape. You really want to live in the here and now? Cut that meditation crap out.
AVOID STRESS
Now I hate sensationalist journalism as much as the next failed author but after 90 hours of doom scrolling I can confirm that the heavy feeling in your chest is falling sky slowly crushing you as the planet spins out of control because a woman whose biggest selling point was not being a blood relative to her husband might be taking a break from the catastrophe of being part of Britain’s first family.
DRINKING WATER
You really think you deserve a drink of water while ALL THIS is happening? Join me and take the pledge to #NotHydrateUntilWeFindKate
